A working tool
The problem is not inside one person: it is in the pattern that forms between them.
When something doesn’t work in a relationship, the usual reaction is to look for the one responsible: “he doesn’t listen to me”, “she exaggerates”. The systemic approach proposes another view: instead of examining each person separately, it observes the circuit that forms between them.
The practical consequence is important: there are no culprits, there is a pattern sustained by everyone. And a pattern can be changed from any point in the circuit — even if the other person doesn’t come to therapy.
The circle that repeats
He goes quiet
to avoid a fight
She insists more
to get a reaction
He goes quiet
even more
Each one does what they do because of what the other does. Both are right from where they stand, and the circle tightens. Asking who started it leads nowhere; changing a single move in the circuit does.
Example: they fight about money, but really they fight about who decides. The topic changes, the circuit doesn’t.
Example: the more they control him, the more he rebels; the more he rebels, the more they control him. The symptom belongs to the system, not only to the kid.
Example: the new partner doesn’t know if they can set limits, the grandparents step in, and nobody is clear about their place.
Example: you change jobs and six months later you are in the same conflict with someone else.
We reconstruct step by step a concrete, recent argument: what each person did, in what order. Almost always the same sequence appears repeating, and seeing it already changes something.
Instead of asking “what’s happening to you?”, I ask “what do you think he thinks when you go quiet?”. Each person begins to see the effect of their moves on the other.
Small, very concrete changes to try during the week: interrupting the sequence at one point and observing what happens. The goal is not to win the argument, it is to take it off autopilot.
No approach works for everything. If what you bring has more to do with anxiety or self-esteem, we will probably work from the cognitive-behavioral approach; if repetitions appear that come from far back, from psychoanalysis. The tool is chosen according to the problem.
